Almost

I fell asleep last night, knowing that after all this sickness business and whatnot, that I was well enough to teach the next day. I was tempted to worry, but received a heavenly reminder: One day at a time, daughter. Only worry about sleeping right now.

I took the suggestion, and went to sleep, letting the morrow worry about itself.

If I had known what the morrow would hold, I would've worried. Blissful ignorance: I'm so glad we don't know everything. It'd be enough to depress anyone. If I knew everything, I'd know EVERYTHING. That's not a position I want to put myself in.

I woke up this morning... And right away, the devil hit me. Hard. "Why are you still waiting? There's nothing to wait for. It's gone--forever. You fool, give up. You're waiting for the wind. There's no Promised Land in sight for you."

I fought it. "That's not true! God bid me wait...He didn't say no, nor to stop waiting. I know He's leading."

"Did God truly say...?"

The same lie as in the garden. And I believed him.

Like a slow, steady, squeezing serpent, I felt pain welling up in me, from down in the deepest recesses of my heart. Something terrible, deadly, sickening... It made my legs weak, tied my stomach in knots, made me breathe faster, take deeper breaths. A lump rose in my throat the longer I thought and considered. And the view, which before had seemed so clear, dimmed, darkened, faded. It wasn't long til I sat in complete darkness.

But it didn't stop me at first. I prayed...talked to the Lord...not realizing, however, that every word was tending downward, revealing the path of discouragement I was on. I tried to ignore it. Rearranged my things, made my bed, ate breakfast, got ready for teaching: anything to make myself forget the pain that was slowly swallowing me. I've been called a warrior princess more than once: I'm tough enough to just make it go away, right?

Even a warrior cannot use his sword in complete darkness.

I sat on my bed, computer on my drawn-up knees. The pain had grown to mammoth proportions and my sword was swinging at what I knew not. I couldn't see anything--and at last it broke me. I gave up fighting the pain and it rose higher in me, brimming my eyes with tears and sending them down my cheeks. I sent a quick message home: "I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. I just can't take it anymore."

The reply? "Yes, you can. Through Christ, you can do anything. Listen to Him."

"How can I listen when He's not saying anything!"

"He speaks in silence... Be still... Surrender to the Lord, give the feelings, emotions to Him."

I leaned my head back against the wall and my heart screamed. God, if You're paying any attention right now, DO SOMETHING!

Immediately, another chat window popped up. I looked at it, startled--and then dropped my head back again. Lord, that's not an answer to prayer. That's a worsening of the situation. Was that an answer gone wrong?

Silence.

For over an hour, I floundered in the deep end. I could see no light, I could feel no peace, no comfort. Every argument for the Lord presented to me was questioned, doubted. The darkness was only growing deeper. Despair, doubt, and discouragement were building up the breaking, cracking walls of my prison, and I almost didn't care. Almost.

The words flashed onto my screen. "It's a choice. CHOOSE. You can choose, even around feeling."

"I can't. I just can't."

"Christ can help you. He promised to be with you, and He will never go back on that promise."

Again, at my shoulder, demonic agencies. "Did God truly say...?"

At last, with 15 minutes left before teaching, almost all the voices were silent. Almost. One still pointed me up, and up, and up. Talents...God's given you five...He trusts you...Make Him proud...He'll love you unconditionally...Find your strength in the Bible...

I looked at my Bible. Still wracked by a crippling, suffocating pain, I reached for it and flipped it open. My eyes wandered over the thin pages as I flipped them to and fro. Lord, what do I read? If I need to be seeking strength, and not just reading for reading's sake, to say I did, then what do I read? 

I didn't get an answer. I sighed, and the pages fell open. A whole chapter underlined in yellow caught my attention. I looked closer. What is this? And why did I underline it? It's 'in the middle of nowhere'.

I began to read--Isaiah 24. I didn't remember underlining it, and as I read, I wondered why I had. Cities laid desolate, voices of laughter turned to sorrow, mirth ceasing, destruction reigning... Exactly how I've felt, I thought.

But then, verse 15 jumped off the page and bit the end of my nose. I stared at it a little. "Wherefore, glorify ye the Lord in the fires..."

In the fires. Glorify the Lord.

Seriously?

Apparently.

I thought about that and looked at the clock. Only a few minutes left. But in a moment, the glasses I'd been wearing had been torn from my face and a little light flickered in the distance. I thought back to my prayer from earlier--for God to do something--and realized that the immediate response I'd received...the one I had scorned...really had done some good. Real good: good that was directly linked to my pain, my doubt. The pain began to recede like a very gradually approaching low tide...and then I noticed that it was time for class. I jumped up, filled my waterbottle, and dashed down the hill... And as I went, the darkness began to lift. In the fires...In the fires...Glorify the Lord...

It was my first day teaching after having been sick. The first class went well, the other two not so well, but really, when it was all said and done, I'd been carried through by the Lord and it was okay. I made it to the house again, exhausted and worn out. I dropped onto my bed...and found an email from a dear friend. She was telling me all about what she'd been doing lately, and this and that, and then had to go, sent me a hug and bid me farewell. And then, she tagged a few quotes on the bottom.

Now, I have a bad habit of skimming quotes. Especially long ones. But something made me read the first on very carefully, and what astonishment filled my heart! Here, read what I did...

“I have seen the tender love God has for His people, and it is very great. I saw angels over the saints with their wings spread about them. Each saint had an attending angel. If the saints wept through discouragement, or were in danger, the angels that ever attended them would fly quickly upward to carry the tidings, and the angels in the city would cease to sing. Then Jesus would commission another angel to descend to encourage, watch over, and try to keep them from going out of the narrow path; but if they did not take heed to the watchful care of these angels, and would not be comforted by them, but continued to go astray, the angels would look sad and weep. They would bear the tidings upward, and all the angels in the city would weep, and then with a loud voice say, “Amen.” But if the saints fixed their eyes upon the prize before them, and glorified God by praising Him, then the angels would bear the glad tidings to the city, and the angels in the city would touch their golden harps and sing with a loud voice, “Alleluia!” and the heavenly arches would ring with their lovely songs.” (CET 97.1)

Tears, a very different kind from those I’d shed earlier, filled my eyes. All of this had just taken place. My angel flew to the city to tell of the discouragement. My discouragement ceased the songs in Heaven. Jesus told an angel to come and guard me, to encourage me, to keep me in the right Way. I sat in darkness… I couldn’t see where to go… I was falling farther and farther…But God, in His mercy, had pulled me back from certain ruin. Through the encouragement of my parents, friends, and siblings, my little Bible, and assuredly my angel, I’d been brought back. But something hit me hard.

I almost made all of Heaven weep. I almost gave up.  I almost made an angel look sad and weep. Thousands of them, even. I almost made Jesus weep over me. Oh, He cried with me when I shed tears in pain and despair. He felt that pain right along with me. But I almost made Him cry because He had lost me. Goodness knows, He’s already shed far too many tears over my lost, wayward soul, sins and shortcomings already…

Really. That’s a hard thing to understand. I almost silenced all Heaven with its sorrow over my wayward despair.

Almost.

That’s the key word here. Almost.

Day did dawn. God did part the darkness. The angel beside me, with me, kept my feet on the path, although I’d fallen down in the middle of the road, abused by the enemy of souls and tormented with that age-old question, “Did God truly say…?” All of that, even though I almost completely failed. Almost.

But not quite.

The devil almost won.

But not quite.

I almost gave up.

But not quite.

As that sank into my soul, combined with Isaiah 24:15, the walls of my prison began to crumble again. They cracked, shook, quivered. The chains fixed to the wall trembled, clanged, and the shackles ‘round my wrists began to rattle again. The entire prison shook with the tread of the Almighty, and Despair, Doubt, and Discouragement fled with cursing and cries of anguish, of defeat. No, the walls didn’t fall down and turn to dust…Not yet. A prison that’s taken 12 years to build doesn’t come down in a day.

But God’s been working on tearing it down for awhile. And someday it will come down for good. “Not one stone will be left upon another that shall not be thrown down.” Soon. I’m closer to freedom than ever before.

“Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing had happened to you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when His glory shall be revealed, ye may also be glad with exceeding joy” (1 Peter 4:12, 13).

I almost silenced Heaven with sorrow today.

Almost.

God, however, is greater than my human weaknesses. After all, “His strength is made perfect in weakness.”

So, to pick back up. To let God continue the work He began in me so long ago. To let Him carry me. To continue learning to trust Him—to really trust Him. To live in entire, obsessive eucharisteo. To wait…and to fight… With all that’s in me. To vanquish the darkness, and through Christ, be victorious.

And really, how hard should that be?

Christ’s already won.

Which means that though he wins a thousand battles, Satan’s ultimate victory can only be described by one word…

ALMOST.

Praise the Lord for an “almost” with such promise… such hope. 

Welcome to Sunshine Orchards Learning Center! One of the kindergarten classes.

Another kindergarten class? Not sure... Hannah took these.

Still another kindergarten class. We have 3 of them, I think.

KG boys and girls.

Either first, second, or fourth grade. Probably fourth, now that I look at it carefully. That's Thara Blet Jaw's wife teaching.

Sharon teaching the third graders. 

Some of my sixth grade boys...

"Alright, now, I'm going to point and I will say, and all of you repeat after me...Understand?" Reviewing vocabulary words with grade 7.

Eighth graders in Bible class with Thara Ekganyaw.

Some of my fifth grade boys. The one with the pink pen is Jon Yoo Ay (not how his name is spelled, but phonetically, so you all can actually pronounce it right).

Thara Timothy teaching the fifth graders.

A wider angle view of my seventh grade classroom and students. This class makes me laugh probably more than either of the other two. 

I look like I'm writing down what I had written already, but I assure you, that is mere pretense. I was coming up with things completely on the fly in that picture.

All that writing? It's a conversation between three people, and I was having them look for their vocabulary words in the conversation. I had them look for contractions before that. They did really well...and we had some laughs along the way.

Finding vocabulary words.

This was a terribly amusing moment. I'd tried to convey that the word "big" was in the conversation twice, and Maw Soe Thay (again, phonetically spelled and the one standing there at the board that I'm looking at) circled one "big" and then circled "city," which was the next word on the list, but not what I'd asked him to do. I gave him the look, and he grinned at me and said, "OK?" I had to nod...What can you do?

This is my "Come on guys, I need someone to come find something....NOW" look.

Still finding vocabulary words. I have to say that this class is the one I look forward to the most. Of course, it varies from day to day, but they're always enthusiastic, LOUD, and they give me a good ending to the day. One of the boys, Tee Nee Too (phonetic spelling), one morning when I had barely got in the door looked at me and said, "I'm sorry." I went, "What?" He repeated: "I'm sorry," with this huge grin. I looked askance: "What are you sorry for?" He just laughed. Or then there was Maw Soe Thay, who, when I asked the class to make a word using our vocab word "exciting," piped up with "I saw a monster." Never a dull moment...

Sixth grade boys.

My sixth grade class.

Sixth graders again.

Happy birthday to Sharon! We had tapioca-covered-soaked-drenched raisin bread. Yes, you should be jealous: it was really good.

Blow, Sharon, blow!

Inside our house, as long as my forearm and about half as big around, he sat on our wall near the clock for this shot.

And I must share our recent happiness! REFRIGERATOR! Do not take those appliances for granted: you seriously appreciate them when food goes bad or you have to fish Ziploc containers from out of the bottom of the water tank. This also means that we can make ice cream... I'm told that frozen Thailand bananas in the ice cream maker turn into some sort of heavenly substance like ice cream. Praise the Lord for extra blessings! (And we'll hope that we have no substantial power outages...)